He stood by his side chick when she insulted me

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I married at twenty-six out of frustration. I had no guidance. Maybe it was because I thought no one’s opinion mattered. So, I never sought any when I made my decision to get married. I remember some family members who did not support the marriage. They said I was too young and freshly out of school. “This is not the time you should be getting married,” they cautioned. “You should rather focus on getting a job and building your career.” They voiced their disapproval but the choice was mine to make.

I am the only one who knew what I was going through, considering that I had no father figure in my life. Mum was also very far from me. The only adult supervision I had was a guardian who could not do much to help my needs.

I must say, I had a benevolent cousin who took me through school. However, she made it clear that I was on my own after school. Getting a job was not easy. While I was on the job search, I met several guys who took interest in me for marriage. Among them, one of them connected with me in a way the others didn’t. So I chose him.

We got married against the wishes of some of my relatives. The problem with all their displeasure was that they never drew me close to them. So when they had concerns about my marriage, they couldn’t tell me. They rather resorted to gossip. It was through the gossip vine that I heard about their reservations. Maybe if they had called to express their concerns, I would have taken my time. I must say that I was naive and so foolish that I did not pay attention to the red flags in the relationship. We dated distantly for a year. Then we got married the next year. I got to know the real person I married two weeks into the marriage. My husband is a chronic cheat. He had girlfriends I never knew about. Even after marriage, he was still in touch with all of them.

I married as a virgin. He was the man who broke my virginity. You can imagine the hurt and pain I experienced when I realized he wasn’t worth it. I found out he was seeing a lady in the house we were living in. There were times he asked her to cook for him. Yes, it was that serious between them. I was so hurt that I confronted him. That day was the worst day of my life. “How dare you accuse me of doing something I haven’t done?” he yelled. Before I could respond, he slapped me.

The physical abuse did not stop there. Any misunderstanding we had, he was ready to hit me. I also resorted to insults. It was my only defence mechanism. Now, we have been married for two years without a child. I had a miscarriage and since then I have not been able to conceive.

I discussed my fears with him and suggested that we go for a checkup and possible treatment. He agreed to the suggestion but he never showed interest in going anywhere with me. I got tired of waiting around for him so one day I gathered the courage and went to see the gynecologist. After a series of tests, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was given some drugs and was asked to let my husband come for a check-up too.

This man refused to go to the hospital till now. He has refused to go so I have been the one taking drugs on our behalf. But nothing is happening. Before marriage, I was not working. He promised to link me to his friends for a job offer but it was all empty promises. I got tired of staying at home. “If not for anything, I graduated with a first class so I can’t stay home and let a man treat me anyhow,” I encouraged myself. I started searching for a job and God being so good, I got an incredible offer from a good company.

I thought my unemployment was the problem in our marriage but now I know it was not. It looks like my husband is just a bully. He is very temperamental; he gets angry over minor things. Aside from that, he cheats on me in any way he wants. He does not value the union we share. He can go a whole week without talking to me and weeks without touching me.

Although I am working and earning my own money, I am not happy with the fact that my husband has refused to go for a checkup with me. He makes it look like I am the one with the problem. And it’s draining me.

I have sat him down to talk to him and reason with him to see the need for a checkup. “I just want us to work on our marriage,” I said. He listened but he was not interested. I feel like he married me for certain reasons and not because he loves me or wants a life partner to do life with.

Also, the fact that we are not able to conceive and he is unbothered by it is questionable. Why would he rather choose to spend time and money on his side chicks? Sure, he takes care of our financial needs but that’s not enough. He should let go of his girls. He does not see anything wrong with cheating, that’s my problem with him. Sometimes when we are not on good terms, he would come back from work, bathe, and go out. Then within an hour, he would come back and bathe again before sleeping. All these point to the fact that he has been sleeping with these ladies. There are also chats I have seen on his phone to prove this point.

I have asked that we move from the house but he has refused. He keeps sending money to these ladies in the house and I can’t do anything about it. This lady my husband is seeing in our house insulted me and called me senseless all because I went to burn rubbish and the smoke travelled up to her door.

When my husband got home I complained about her behavior to him. That was the day I realized I had no backing in that house. My husband asked me: “Why did you burn the rubbish? Haven’t I warned you to stop burning rubbish?” He made it look like the girl was right for insulting me. I am so pained. I am twenty-eight but I feel after divorce, it will be difficult for me to get another man because of the tag of being a divorcee. I can’t report him to his mum because I cannot speak their language. And his mum does not speak any language apart from her mother tongue. I am also afraid of the rest of his family because he is their breadwinner. They will definitely take his side so what’s the point?

My mum is ready to support me to leave but I am afraid of what society will say. What do I do?

— Abla

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