I have a son with a woman I am no longer with. It wasn’t my wish for it to be that way, not at all. For five years, we tried to make our relationship work, but we were just too different. I know there is a belief that people who are different are perfect together because they will complement each other. Ours was not like that. It was as though I was the antagonist in her story and she too was the antagonist in mine. We could never agree on anything. I would say “A” and she would say “Triangle.”
After trying so hard and failing, we both agreed that we were just incompatible. So we went our separate ways. It was a mutual decision, so there was no bad blood between us.
Our son is four years old and lives with her. I also play my role in his life as a good father should. Every month I send money for his upkeep. I pay his school fees. When he gets sick, I pay his medical bills. If any other thing comes up, I take care of it. I don’t get a fat pay cheque at the end of the month, but I manage.
Now, here is my problem. I am in a relationship with a single mother. She has been an old friend of mine, so things are solid between us. We share similar worldviews and ideologies, so much so that we understand each other perfectly. I don’t have to argue with her over simple things or explain myself too hard to be understood.
We’ve been together for over a year now and I love her very dearly. She is a good woman. She is simply the kind of woman that would make a good wife. I too am determined to be a good husband to her. We’ve started preparations to get married before the end of next year. Things are generally great with her.
The only problem is that the father of her child is the embodiment of irresponsibility. He doesn’t contribute anything to the upkeep of their seven year-old daughter. My girlfriend was doing everything alone, until I stepped up and started helping her.I took care of the little girl as I did my son. Her mother supported me, so it made it easier. And this girl loves me as she would her father. We have formed a strong bond. I don’t even see her as my stepdaughter, only as my daughter.
When we discussed our future, my woman clearly stated her desire to have another child after we get married. When she said that, I panicked. I explained to her that I had a son and that she had a daughter. We have the perfect family. There would be no need for another child. She laughed at me and said: “Stop playing. Of course, we will have another child. We need to have one to seal our love.”
I just didn’t get it. Why do we need to make another mouth to feed, just to seal our love? I explained our financial situation to her: “We are comfortable taking care of our two kids, but things will become difficult if we add a third child. So let’s stick to the two and give them the best in this life.” She won’t hear of it. Her mind was made up. “How do you know if our finances will not change? Maybe that child will open doors for us. Besides, it is God that takes care of people. Not money. So let’s trust God to take care of us.” No matter how hard I tried to convince her, she wouldn’t yield.
I have thought about how I am going to give her what she wants, and still keep the family afloat. So far, the only solution that readily comes to my mind is to stop taking care of her daughter financially when another child comes into the picture. This is not something she would be happy to hear. How do I say: “Hey babe, I love your daughter as my own but if we have another child, I won’t be able to provide for her needs because all my focus will be on my son and the new baby?” How do I say something like that to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with?
She might even decide to leave me because of that, and I don’t want such a thing to happen. I know she loves me but she is very emotional when it comes to her little girl. I have accepted that her daughter is the first on her list of priorities. I will always come second to her. If this little girl does something wrong and I scold her harshly, my woman gets completely upset. So I know that if we were to take a decision that doesn’t favour her daughter, she won’t go for it.
This is why I am concerned. First, should I consider the fact that she gets emotional when I correct her daughter as a red flag? Secondly, how do I explain for her to understand that if we have another child, I cannot possibly take care of her daughter? I want to make our relationship work. So I need all the advice I can get.
—Abel
