Dre and I started talking after I just got out of a toxic relationship. I was only interested in friendship at the time and so was he. We talked for a while before he mentioned that he would like to visit me. I was excited about his visit. I remember how hard I worked to make my apartment look spotless. I even cooked his favourite meal. When he arrived I could tell from his face that he liked what he saw.
I had a good job so I could afford to live alone in a one-bedroom apartment located in a fancy neighborhood. I also have an exquisite taste for interior design. So, anyone who walked into my apartment instantly fell in love with it. That’s why I was not surprised when he let himself feel completely at home. When it was time for dinner, I served him like a king, and he loved that too.
He was so relaxed that he didn’t want to go home. I was the one who kept giving him hints that he had to go before he finally got up to leave. He tried to kiss me that night but I didn’t allow it. It was only our first date, so why rush things?
We got closer as the days went by. He loved my space so much that he visited me often. Sometimes he even visited me unannounced hoping he would meet another guy at my place, but he always found nothing. Six months into our friendship, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him but I told him: “Let me think about it and give you an answer later.”
When I finally gave him a response, I was ready to go all the way with him. So I told him to visit me and be prepared for intimacy. Then I got myself drunk that night. When he came and saw me drinking whiskey he was surprised. I asked him to join me but he refused. Alcohol enhances my libido, but he didn’t know this. I was in the mood to be eaten.
When I told him I was ready, he sat there watching me for a while before he made his move. He took off my cloth, my bra, my panty and everything until I was completely naked like a pork show ready to be chopped. He touched and cuddled me for a while before the action began. He did it very well and to my satisfaction. He brought condoms but we couldn’t use them.
The next shuperu, he used the condoms but I didn’t enjoy it at all so I told him to take it off. Since then we’ve been doing it without condoms. His energy matched mine so we could do it the whole day without getting tired. A year later, I got pregnant. I forgot to take my pills. He asked me to abort it but I refused. He even took me to Marie Stopes but I was too scared to go through with it. I had a good job, and my own apartment. So, I decided to keep the baby. “If you are worried about the responsibilities, then I will take care of the baby by myself,” I told him.
Months later, he came to his senses and agreed to be part of the child’s life. He informed his mother about the baby and she was very supportive. I needed more space so I moved into a two-bedroom apartment. As part of his commitment to fatherhood, he moved in with me and paid half the rent. That money was what I used to cool my parents down when they heard that the guy who impregnated their daughter had moved in with her.
He promised my father that he would marry me. I remember telling him, “You don’t have to do that. I don’t want it to be like I used pregnancy to trap you.” So we agreed we would live together and see where the future takes us. One thing I realized was that Dre moved in with just his bag. The bed we slept on was bought by me. I bought everything else in the house as well. My family knew about this so they complained bitterly about it. They felt like he needed to do more to show his commitment to the relationship. “Why should a man move in with his woman? Is he the one going to marry you or you are the one who will marry him?” they would ask. In all this, I defended him. I told them our relationship worked perfectly for us so they shouldn’t worry about societal norms.
Two years down the line, we were able to tie the knot. It was his mother who bought everything on the list and gave him money for his clothes, shoes and accessories. He didn’t pay for anything. I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement but I just let it slide.
When we got married, we didn’t go on a honeymoon. He said he didn’t have money for that. He couldn’t have asked his mother to pay for it so we left it at that. “I will make it up to you,” he promised. It’s been four years now and we haven’t even gone on a trip. The core of our problems right now is money. Dre resigned from his job against my counsel. So he depended on his mother’s money and mine. Unfortunately for us, I also lost my job along the way.
Unlike him, I started an an online business. The business was doing so well until he came up with an idea to make things better. I objected to it but he wouldn’t let it rest until he had his way. That was the end of our success, income, peace and happiness. We went back to square one. We had to start everything from scratch. But my husband decided not to work for anyone again. I, on the other hand, learned a skill on YouTube. I put it to practice and I started making money. He tried to get involved with it but I didn’t allow him to get anywhere near my business. Thankfully, this new business is still doing well.
Along the line, I got pregnant again. This time around too he asked me to abort it. I just told him: “You are never ready for anything. You are always running away from responsibilities and your mom keeps supporting your lazy ass. Get up from that couch and go get a job because this baby is coming.” He didn’t like my outburst but I said what I said. It got to a point where I was broke. He was supposed to pay the rent and provide for the house, but he couldn’t afford to do it. It was all new to him. He had no idea about how to be a responsible man. He still doesn’t.
Everything we did was sponsored by his mother: from the rent to our child’s school fees and utility bills. One day I asked him, “Is this how we are going live?” He told me he would drive Uber. He started but he didn’t bring any money home. All he brought were problems and complaints. When I was almost due for delivery, his mother complained, “I don’t have money to give you. Andrew has borrowed a lot of money from me that he hasn’t paid me back.” So I bought everything on the hospital list. When things got harder, he asked me to ask my friends or family for money. I refused to do it. However, my sister heard about our struggles and came to my rescue.
When I had the baby it was his mother who paid the bills. Three months after delivery, he asked me to go and look for a job and stop being lazy. Meanwhile, I was running a business that was taking care of our home. But it wasn’t enough for him. “I like women who are hardworking and independent, not a broke woman like you,” he insulted me. He forgot that I was a boss lady when he met me. At a point, he succeeded in turning his mother against me. The two of them would call me all sorts of names just because I no longer had enough money to run the home by myself. He was frustrated and I became depressed.
Through all this, I still stood by him and supported him in prayers. He said he wanted to travel so we joined alpha hour and put his passport on the altar. By God’s grace, he got the job and the visa to travel. I was so happy for him and for us. When the time came for him to leave, he gave me GHC600. He asked me to manage it till he starts work and gets paid. It wasn’t enough but I didn’t complain.
It took him two months to send us money. My kids and I really suffered. He showed me ‘shege’. I still didn’t complain until he started giving me attitude. Now, he calls when he feels like it. We had an argument and he ghosted me for a week. He said he needed to clear his head. Another time we had a little misunderstanding about a debt we owe, and it led to a heated argument. He insulted me, hung up, and then blocked me and the kids on WhatsApp, Facebook and everywhere. It’s been almost a month now and we still haven’t heard from him. When the Bible said: “For better, for worse,” is this the worse? I have had enough. Should I move on and forget about him? Or Should I keep praying for him to act right?
—Genia
