The other day, a guy shared a story about his girlfriend. He was upset that nobody else seemed to want his girlfriend. He couldn’t understand why a young woman of her age would appear to be invisible to other men, apart from him. Honestly, I can relate to this young man’s girlfriend’s experience. I am older than the lady but in my entire life, I have only had one boyfriend. But while I can conveniently assume that when this guy met her girl, he at least showed interest in her and took her seriously, I can’t say the same for myself.
It isn’t that I don’t meet people, I do. And they see me. They talk to me in the hope of starting something amorous with me. Sometimes I build my expectations up on them. I tell myself: “This is it. It looks like this person is for real. If I put in some effort, it could work.” The conversations would sail smoothly until they start demanding that I have shuperu with them. No proposal. No declaration of love. They just want us to start doing it.
Maybe I am too old or just too traditional, but why would you want to sleep with someone you are not in a relationship with? This is one thing I seek to understand. If you are serious about someone, wouldn’t you want to take your time and get to know them before you try to get intimate with them? I believe that you should build up something solid with someone before things get to that level. I know people who date and they don’t do anything until they get married. Unfortunately, that is not the case with me. Every single man who gets close to me backs away the moment I tell him, “No, I can’t have sex with you just yet.”
At this stage, I am convinced that I could possibly remain single until God calls me home. But, in case you are thinking: “Why don’t you try and give them the sex? Maybe you will meet someone who will stay with you even after you’ve done it with him.” Well, I have done that. I have given some of these men the thing they asked for. Unfortunately, when they get it, they leave.
They would sing promises in the moment, and say all the honey-coated lies to get me to believe that something good could happen between us. But the moment I fall for them and open my legs for them, they eat their fill and then disappear from my life without a trace. They don’t even leave their fingerprints on the parts of my body they touched. You would see me and not even know a man had been with me.
This is why when they come, I just say ‘no’. I don’t like the fact that they never see me as a person. They don’t consider that I have feelings. They treat me as if my body is just a toy meant for their pleasure. All my attempts to get them to see me beyond my body have proved futile. I dress decently. I maintain boundaries. I don’t go partying or clubbing. I don’t even go out much. I mostly stay at home, minding my business. I know that when I shut the world out, I am not really living. I simply exist. But what is the point of going out and meeting people when I know it will not lead me anywhere meaningful?
I remember years ago, a pastor told me; “I can see in the spirit that there are forces working against your marital destiny. If you don’t pray seriously, it will affect you in life.” I didn’t take him seriously. I even laughed in my head and said: “These false prophets are always looking for ways to con people out of money.” Now that I see it happening, I know he wasn’t lying.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do to fight this thing, but I have accepted my fate. I am not even scared of being alone. I have faced so many rejections that I don’t mind the loneliness that comes with being single. Right now, my only fear is being broke. When I have money, I will live a happy and single life without any worries about the future.